Let's Go To The Zoo!
by Fasanation Rose
Summary: It was supposed to be a simple trip to the zoo for Ryan's research project. Through the magical power of bad luck, Lire's second personality awakens and launches the zoo into a state of chaos. Now, somebody has to stop her, and what better people than her just-as-crazy friends? It's going to be a long day... AU
1. Ch 1: Something you should never do

For a long time, I had a possibly brilliant idea for a multi-chapter humor fanfic. Unfortunately, that fanfic is dead. However, it felt like a shame to let all my effort put into it go to waste, so I've adapted a few chapters of it into separate AU one-shots/shorts. This is the first.

Enjoy!

* * *

Ch 1: Something you should never do. Ever.

The car had made a brilliant entrance.

It swerved across the street, barely staying on the road, knocking over many signs and trash cans along the sides of the street. Civilians fled from the terror of the black car as it entered the parking lot of the zoo. The ultimate destination of the car was upside down in the middle of the lot.

"Everybody out!" Sieghart shouted, leaping out of the overturned car. Arme, Lire, and Ronan followed, bolting out just as the car erupted into an inferno of flames. The four of them watched the brilliant display of fire.

"Sieghart, what was that for?!" Ronan shouted at the black-haired man. "You could have killed us!"

"But I didn't." Was the nonchalant reply. "So we don't have a problem here."

"B-But-"

"No buts, kid."

Arme whispered under her breath to Lire, "Elesis knew this was going to happen! Why else would she go with Mari in her car?!"

Lire replied, "I don't know, to be with Jin?"

"Lies! We all know she secretly likes Ronan!"

"But we're not supposed to know that…"

Just then, a second car drove neatly around the torrent of fire into a parking spot just behind it. Four more figures emerged from that car, in absolute shock at the scene in front of them.

Well, except Elesis, she knew this was going to happen.

The red-head laughed at the scenario. "How's your day starting out?"

"MISERABLE!" Shouted Arme.

Sieghart, upon seeing his niece, got up and brushed the dust of himself. "So, did you guys bring the tickets?"

Amy held up eight tickets for the eight of them. "Lass and Ryan said they had their tickets already."

"They should be waiting for us at the front." Jin added on. "But… Are you guys okay?"

Ronan crawled over to the red-headed boy and clung to his leg. "Jiiiiiiiiiin…"

"GAH!" Jin struggled against the sudden being on his leg. "DON'T DRAG ME TO THE UNDERWORLD!"

"…Could you get me a bandage…?" As he looked up, Ronan's battered face did not lighten the boy's fear.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jin fell to the ground, trying to claw his way away from the (in his mind) evil spirit. Amy had also begun to pull the red-head away from Ronan, worried that her boyfriend might be dragged into the spirit world.

Mari stared blankly at what was going on. Her reaction was simple: "Can we go in already?"

* * *

Lass was getting impatient. He repeatedly glanced down at his watch. "When are those idiots going to show up? It's been an hour." He looked up to find Ryan trying to eat the leaves on the bushes.

Ryan chewed, and swallowed the leaves. It wasn't until he licked his lips that he noticed Lass's blank stare. "Lass, did you want some?" Ryan handed a few leaves to the silver-haired boy.

"I… think I'll pass…" Lass's expression did not change.

Ryan simply shrugged. "Suit yourself." He continued to eat more leaves. Lass briefly wondered how and why these people were his friends.

He noticed the approaching crowd of psychos just as his thought finished. "It's about time. Where were you guys?"

Ronan pointed at Sieghart. "He tried to kill us."

"Now, don't make assumptions. I am a perfectly safe driver, and you know it!"

"Safe?! Your car is being put out by the fire department!"

Sieghart took a moment to retort. "That… was a _sliiiiiight _miscalculation…"

"SLIGHT?!"

"Yeah. Slight. I don't even know why you're complaining, you're alive now."

Mari walked over and slapped Sieghart.

Lass waited a moment. "Anyway, the entrance is this way." Lass pointed at Ryan. "I'd prefer to get monkey-boy's research project over with before-"

"Would you like some leaves?" Ryan held up some leaves to Elesis and Jin. "They taste really good!" The two of them glanced at each other, then back at Ryan.

"-before I go totally insane."

* * *

The zoo was filled with many animals, but right now, Ryan was only concerned with the monkeys.

He had based his research project on the simians, and he intended to collect his data! He entered the monkey research building, accompanied by a smiling Lire.

He didn't know the fate of those outside…

…

…

…We'll get to that in time.

Sieghart was already, unknowingly, kick-starting said fate by trying to scout the park. He decided to not do the traditional method of scouting, and instead was climbing to the top of the monkey building to scan the zoo himself. Somebody's been playing too many video games.

The others wondered how stupid Elesis's uncle really was.

"I'm almost to the top!" The man cried down to his companions.

"That's great!" Elesis shouted back. "Keep going!"

It was then the zookeepers noticed the man scaling the side of the building, and called for backup. Oh boy.

* * *

"Ryan, isn't that monkey cute?!" Lire almost pressed her face against the glass of the exhibit.

"It is!" Just as the Ryan said that, the monkey turned around, bent over, and flashed its butt at the two onlookers. "Just… not when it's being a perv."

The two of them moved onto the next exhibit, which contained a lemur, watching them with big eyes. Lire made a face of adoration. Ryan was distracted by the (tasty) leaves in the exhibit.

"Ryan, look, the lemur is pooping!" Lire tugged on the sleeve of her drooling friend. He looked to see a lemur… well, you know, pooping.

Ryan pulled out his camera and took a picture. This would be lovely for his project.

Lire amazed by the lemur, was shocked when a small pebble landed on her head. She looked up to see a gradually growing light. As the cracks in the ceiling expanded, she saw a figure falling down.

She screamed.

* * *

The zookeepers were armed with Tasers, trying to force the intruder off the roof. More zookeepers stood below, armed with megaphones and tranquilizer guns. The crowds of civilians, including Elesis and co, were standing behind to barricade of people and the building. One of the zookeepers used the megaphone to command Sieghart to "Get off the roof."

Sieghart refused, saying, "I need to scout the park!"

One of the zookeepers below had shot his tranquilizer gun at the guards on the roof. The bullet entered an air vent. Many ricochet sounds were heard before it landed in the butt of the man called Sieghart.

"Son of a…" As he fell, he landed on what seemed like a control panel for the air conditioning. An overheating sound could be heard, and shortly after, the ceiling gave way.

Elesis only shouted up, "YOU GO UNCLE SIEGGY!"

* * *

Ryan emerged from the rubble and analyzed the scene around him. Many zookeepers were piled all around, groaning as they pulled themselves out of the mess. Sieghart was sprawled, drooling and unconscious, on a large chunk of ceiling which has fallen.

"Lire?" Ryan called out. "Are you okay?"

It was then a bright light emerged from under the rubble. A fist followed, punching open a hole in a ceiling piece, and a figure emerged.

"Lire!" Ryan ran over to the girl. "I was worried about you!"

The girl looked at Ryan and tilted her head. "Li…re…?"

Ryan's overjoyed expression vanished. "Uh, Lire, are you okay?"

"I'm… not Lire… I am… GAIA!" Giant rays of light emerged from beneath the girl, engulfing the area. "I've come to free the animals!"

"Oh no…" Ryan took a step back. "No no no no no…"

"Now, animals!" A giant tiger bust through a wall, and Lire mounted it. "TO ARMS!" And with that, Lire rode off, cackling wildly.

Ryan whimpered, "We're doomed…"

* * *

Elesis knew she was missing out when she saw bright lights emerging from the building. She tried to run towards the shiny lights, but was restrained by a worried Ronan and Jin. "Let me go!" She continued to struggle against the two, to no avail-

Nope, she just elbowed them both in the stomach. And off she goes!

"Elesis!" Arme shouted, chasing after her, "GET BACK HERE!"

Elesis entered the destroyed building known as the monkey house. The first thing she saw was the conscious zookeepers carry off the sleeping Sieghart. Good, he was somewhere safe. She then noticed a tame Ryan on the other side of the ruins staring off into space. She bolted over and tackled him. "Ryan!"

"Gah!" Ryan fell, unsurprisingly. When he realized who his attacker was, his expression became more frightened. "Elesis, we're doomed!"

Elesis got up and brushed herself off. "Doomed?"

"Yeah!" Ryan pointed at the woman-on-a-tiger shaped hole in the wall. "Lire's other personality came out!"

Most people in their school knew of the cursed being named Gaia. She was untamed and violent, but she was contained within the mind of Lire Eryuell. Sadly, that being was let loose by a blow to the head.

"WHAT?!" Arme was shocked.

"Yeah, we're doomed! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO-"

_*Slap!*_

Mari slapped the screaming boy. "Imbecile. We have ways to fix this." She and the other five people had arrived just then, and it took them moments to find the situation.

Mari pulled out a guide map. "We are here." She pointed to the monkey house. "We will split up into three groups and investigate here, here, and here." She pointed to the polar exhibits, rainforest exhibits, and gift shop respectively. "Arme, Lass, you're with me. We'll check the polar exhibits. Elesis, you take Ronan and check the rainforest area. Jin, you, Amy, and Ryan shall check the gift shop. Any questions or complaints shall be ignored."

"But, Mari-"

"Ronan, be quiet." Ronan sighed. "Now, are we ready?"

While there was a majority of no's, Elesis and Lass replied yes.

Mari pushed up her glasses, causing them to flash involuntarily. "Well then, teams, move out!"


	2. Ch 2: Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh my!

This is getting ridiculous

_A/N: I've got a poll up on my profile about what fanfic type(s) I should do after this one. While voting is not required, it's much appreciated! _

* * *

Ch 2: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

"Mari…"

"Be quiet, I'm busy."

"…I got you your cotton candy." Lass held up the pink fluffy candy in Mari's face. The girl snatched the candy from his hand and proceeded to eat it. "Mari, what are you busy doing exactly?" The silver-haired boy asked.

"I'm studying the penguins." She replied, not taking her eyes off the animals.

Lass asked, "Why penguins?"

Mari turned towards the boy. "Because they're the only pacifistic animals left in the zoo. Perhaps if I study their peacefulness, we can find a way to calm the other animals."

"Huh, that might work." Lass remarked.

Arme ran up to the two of them, looking quite panicked. "I saw polar bears walking around!"

Mari took two seconds to think of an ingenious solution. She grabbed Arme and Lass and jumped into the penguin exhibit.

* * *

Ronan waved a bird of paradise flower in front of the panther cub in front of him. The cub started slapping the flower, and trying to eat it with its mouth. "Aw." Ronan muttered to nobody in particular.

"Hey Ronan, could you stop playing with the kitty and help me out?" Elesis came over to the man and cat.

"But Ele-"

Elesis would hear no more of it; She kicked the panther cub away. "Go on, shoo!" The cub ran off.

Ronan was in absolute horror. "Elesis! You know how things are right now! We shouldn't be hurting animals!"

"I. Don't. Care. Now help me climb up there." Elesis pointed up at a tree in the panther exhibit.

Ronan looked up at the tree. "Why go up there?"

"So I can scout the park, you dummy!" She whacked the male on the side of the head.

"Right, right…"

Within a few painful "Ow's" Ronan hoisted Elesis onto his shoulders, allowing her to climb up into the tree. She looked out over the maze of buildings and trees, and saw a giant dust cloud.

"Elesis…"

"I found Lire."

"…Right now, Lire isn't our biggest problem!" Elesis looked down to see Ronan half failing to climb the tree, being clawed at by a pack of panthers. His clothes were already half torn, and he was covered in scratches. "Help me!"

"Ronan!" Elesis grabbed the hand of the struggling boy and pulled him up. Ronan wrapped his arms around her, much to her shock. "R-Ronan!"

Wha- Oh, sorry!" He pulled away instantly. He then glanced down at the panthers, trying hard to climb the tree. "I told you not to kick the cub."

Elesis sighed and rested her head against the trunk of the tree. "I hope help arrives soon."

* * *

"Plush Monkeys!" Ryan exclaimed, holding up, well, a plush monkey. Jin facepalmed as Amy pulled another plush monkey off the shelf and began to play with it.

"You do know we're supposed to be looking for Lire right?" Jin sighed.

"PLUSH MONKEYS!" Ryan and Amy called out in unison, holding the monkeys up in the air.

Jin then realized why the two of them were sent here to the gift shop: To keep them out of trouble.

Jin picked up a plush monkey and walked towards the cash register. As the person at the counter tried to stuff the monkey in the bag, they realized something interesting.

The monkey was not plush.

Jin reacted by grabbing and flinging the monkey at Ryan's face. The monkey screeched, clearly not amused, calling more monkeys. Within minutes, the monkeys had overrun the gift shop.

Jin grabbed Amy and rushed outside, to find none other than…

…Gaia.

On a tiger.

Staring at them.

* * *

When he woke up, all he could feel was his head in pain. He groggily tried to cradle his head in his hands only to find one of them handcuffed to the bench. "What?" He whispered under his breath.

Then Sieghart remembered: He had been hit by a tranquilizer!

He sluggishly got up, realizing his situation. He then tried to tug his arm away from the couch. After he failed many times, he sighed, and pulled with all his power.

The couch was sent flying into the wall, with Sieghart still attached.

* * *

Lass landed flat on his back. He readied himself to stand up, only to have Arme's butt land on his face, and Mari's on his stomach. Mari instantly dusted herself off, and stood up.

Arme didn't realize where she was until Lass said, "This is nice."

Almost instantaneously the girl leaped off Lass, yelping loudly. "P-PERVERT!" Lass merely chuckled. Arme blushed madly while stomping on his smirking face.

Mari was more concerned about the giant polar bear about to leap into the exhibit with them. She noticed it watching the trio from above. She was relieved as she watched it leave.

And panicked internally once again as it leaped over the railings.

The polar bear landed right in front of Mari, making eye contact. It stared her down, but she merely stared back. They stared for a while: A good 5 seconds. Then, the bear lunged.

And Mari pulled out a Gatling gun! (What?!)

Mari open fired on the bear, dust and smoke rising around her. Arme and Lass quickly embraced one another at the sound of the bullets. As the dust cleared, the bears had absconded.

The lady with a gun then leaps up to the railing and runs off, leaving the boy and the girl behind.

* * *

The panthers were still clawing ferociously at the tree, hoping to get at the two humans in its branches. At this point, Ronan was drowsily looking out over the horizon. Elesis yawned.

"Hey, Ronan, do you still have those playing cards from your birthday?" Elesis poked her companion.

Ronan looked at her with a suspicious gaze. "Why?"

"So I can shoot the panthers with them and eliminate them."

Ronan turned his attention back to the panthers and sighed. "Haven't you learned your lesson on animal abuse?" Elesis shook her head.

Then, Elesis spotted something of interest. She almost didn't believe what she saw. She stood on the branch, and shouted, "HEY, I SEE YOU THERE! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THAT BUSH AND HELP US!"

Ronan looked at Elesis like she was insane. Clearly, there was no one-

"Alright, you got me!" A figure shouted from behind the panthers. Ronan couldn't believe who it was either. Even the panthers turned to ensure that this person wasn't there.

Sieghart smiled a smug grin, lugging his couch over his shoulder. "I've got a couch handcuffed to me, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

* * *

"Are you the blasphemers defying the gracious goddess of nature?" The lady questioned.

"Er, no." Was Jin's reply. "We're just looking for our… friend."

Lire's/Gaia's eyes sharpened, and she spoke with a cold voice. "Lies!" The tiger growled. "You shall pay for your blasphemy!"

Jin grabbed Amy's hand and bolted out of the way of the lunging tiger. The tiger continued until it crashed into the front door of the gift shop. The frightened monkeys fled the scene, screeching madly.

It was then a bright light emerged from the gift shop, as Ryan stepped out, dressed like Tarzan. He yelled, and the monkeys came to his side. Oh my.

Amy tugged on Jin's arm. Jin looked down at the girl. She pointed at the conveniently placed wild horse exhibit. Jin got an idea.

After a short moment, a crashing noise could be heard. Jin rode out on a shining white horse, with Amy clinging on. The two of them rode off, away from the crazy tiger lady.

Ryan watched the two beings charge off, and then sighed a sigh of relief. He turned to find Gaia emerging from the gift shop…

**TO BE CONTINUED… **


End file.
